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Monday 27th June
Almost ready
Excited now, this time tomorrow we'll be well on our way to Bergen. Weather forecast doesn't look too bad, but I'm not banking on sunshine!! Hopefully my packing is virtually done, just the last odd minute bits to put in my rucksack. My partner, of course, is rushing around town at this very minute trying to buy some new jeans and tops. Whilst I can now relax and play for a couple of hours... Anyway, this will be my last entry until after the hols - hopefully there will be another a week on Wednesday, although it may be the Thursday if I'm too tired. Wishing you all well until then. Linda. Posted 4pm BST
Saturday 26th June
Miserable weather Rain, cool, yuck. Depressing. At least it should brighten up for when we go away on Tuesday, even Bergen looks as though it might get some sunshine. A friend has just returned from Sweden, seems the forecast for there was awful but it turned warm for them, so hopefully the same will happen for us. Yesterday was a bit of a wasted day, a bad FM day. Still, I did find the site of Zenobi Software, and exchanged a couple of emails with Balrog. To explain, he used to market my text adventure games, did a very good job of it too - apparently mine were in his top 5 sellers. Fame, and I didn't know!!! I also thought about my novel - wasn't up to writing, although I did make a few notes. Had an idea that I really like, so will work on that to see where it might lead. Not quite unique but the concept has, I believe, potential and has a seed of political undertones to give the whole thing a little kick. Today, we have to go and get some Norwegian Kroner for our trip, plus other shopping essentials. So won't have much time to update over the weekend but will hopefully get another entry on before we go away... Posted 11.15am BST Friday 25th June
Posted 11.10am BST.Shattered... Had a terrible night, woke up at least 6 times. Disturbed sleep is one of the problems of FM, and the reason why the condition leaves most people with FM feeling tired most of the time and exhausted a lot of the time. I'm also aching a fair bit again, might have to give in and have a nap. Annoying as I had an idea for my novel that I want to explore. But can't see me getting any purposeful writing done today. Probably shouldn't have stayed up to watch the football last night - England out, of course, and it was quite a shattering experience to see their very sad demise in Euro 2004. Still, there's the tennis (not much hope there) and the cricket (perhaps some hopes) and the Olympics to come. First, though, we have a holiday, but confess that I'm not in holiday mood. Perhaps by the time we leave on Tuesday I'll be bubbling with the prospect, especially as my partner finishes work this evening for a fortnight. Will be nice to have him around. For now though think the prospect of a snooze is far more endearing!!!
Thursday 24th June
Posted 11.14am BSTWeather & writing... It's cold, wet and windy. Yuck. Have put the heating on as the temperature is only about 12C out there, and the damp is making it feel colder. Not nice for June. On the writing front, I've managed to start chapter 2, only a couple of paragraphs so far. Just had a break, fingers are chilly, and aching of course. Wanting to do more writing though, so afraid that's it for now!!!
Wednesday 23rd June
Posted 1pm BSTSatisfying morning I've eventually finished the first chapter of my novel. A very satisfying moment. Of course, it will more than likely get changed: this is, after all, only the first draft. And events that follow may result in it needing alterations. I can't plot and plan and then diligently stick to the carefully worked out scheme. I have tried. I had a whole novel once sketched out, all the characters firmly placed and details of their personalities and lives minutely etched on index cards. I'd made numerous notes on the world and the order of events, including sub-plots. But when I started to write, I found that I'd already exerted my creative energies on the book before I'd even begun. I dried up completely and my writing foundered for months. It damaged my belief in my ability to write. And I began to feel that I'd never be able to write anything ever again. I've only just returned to writing, recalling the advice of my tutor on the Creative Writing course that I completed. That for some people, and he believed me to be one, their best writing was achieved when they wrote almost without thinking, allowing the story to develop at each sitting, with only a little work being done in between. The subconscious often does the work for them. I also remember attending a reading by an author who openly admitted that he couldn't plot and plan. His best novel he claimed came from a vision. The characters and plot often surprised him. The worlds developed as he wrote. He never spent the months or years that some fantasy authors do drawing maps and writing the history of the world before even beginning to write. He is a succesful author. So if he can work that way, and complete several novels, then so can I! This book is based on a short story that I wrote as part of the writing course. It was, according to the tutor, my best work. I agreed with him. But I always felt that it could, and should, be expanded. It stemmed from an image. Of a girl walking alone across an arid plain. When I re-read it a few weeks ago I again saw that image. And visualised her, and what might happen. Such was the power of those images that it overcame my long aversion to doing any writing. Hopefully it will eventually help me to write a complete and satisfying novel. Wednesday 23rd June
Naughty but nice!!! I've decided that what I'm suffering from is very similar to eating cream cakes - a therapeutic experience followed by pangs of guilt... Anyway, have just read a good piece on the summer solstice at Jaded Writings. What I love is the quote at the end: As the Maoris say, "Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind
you." Good one, Jade!!! Wednesday 23rd June
Posted 9.10am BSTShopping spree & temptation Yesterday I ended up in Meadowhell, as I got into town and decided that the wind was rather cool, plus we kept having showers, so better to go to the mall where I could guarantee I could sit down as needed (there are benches everywhere). Also I knew that I'd have a better choice of jeans in the very large Marks & Spencers there. True. I did. Bought 2 pairs instead of the one I was aiming for. At least I had birthday vouchers to pay for one of them. I then decided to 'browse' and look for a top to go with the red trousers that I'd just bought. Two hours later I had acquired not one but 3 new tops. All bar one will go with either pair of trousers, plus with my 'wedding' skirt and a beige shirt that I bought for another wedding last year. So a good mix'n'match selection now at my disposal. At least, that's how I've been able to justify the spree to myself. I've been getting depressed about looking 'shabby', having to wear clothes bought from cheap stores like Matalan all the time. But in truth there's nothing wrong with the clothes I have, it's probably just that I've got bored with them. And like most women I suppose I do enjoy the occasional shop. It's just that I can't really afford to. Ah well, what's done is done. Means I won't be able to afford any new books or games for a while, and I have plenty of them to keep me going. Can always go the library if desperate for something to read. This morning, it's very wet outside, it was raining heavily about 4am, and my legs are aching badly, my fingers are stiff and numb, and my back doesn't feel great either. Although the legs and back may in part be due to the trek in Meadowhell rather than to the damp weather. At least I slept a bit better than I have been recently. Still half-asleep though. Hopefully I'll wake up - eventually. Tuesday 22nd June
Posted 9.30am BSTCivilisation Because I was feeling shattered yesterday, having had a bad night, I decided to play Call to Power, one of the old Civilisation games. Several hours later I was still playing! Had forgotten how addictive it was. Emerged with a burning neck and aching wrists, silly. My fault. But I did enjoy myself. Also the reason why I didn't update my blog... sorry, folks! Watched THE game last night (didn't most people?), bearing in mind that I rarely watch football I found it fun - probably something to do with 6 goals being scored and us winning. Makes a pleasant change. Had a lovely quiet weekend re-united with my partner - not that we did much, just the normal shopping trip into town, a game of Scrabble together, watching tv. But good to have him home again. I managed to get a bit further with Puzzle Donkey (see last update), partly thanks to my daughter's help, also by reading the dedicated forum. Very lateral puzzles, thought provoking. Love the donkey t-shirts that they sell, but will have to wait as need to keep my spending in check. Next week we go to Norway - our first holiday there. Really looking forward to it, but it will mean the blog won't get updated until my return. Just a week, but it will be enough - I get very tired when away, although I always enjoy the change and the exploration of new places. Have to pace myself carefully, visit a lot of cafes etc. Hoping to go on at least one train journey, and a boat trip. So will have some chance to sit and rest!!! Right, best get myself sorted out and go into town - need some new jeans, and food... 
Friday 18th June
Posted 2.30pm BSTPuzzling donkey Ok, my daughter sent me the URL for Puzzle Donkey. Love the site, but I'm completely stuck (now you know what I do in my spare time!!!). If anyone can help me out here, I'd be grateful!!! I managed to do some writing this morning, extremely pleased, although I'm now unsure how to proceed and need some time to think about what exactly happens and how my main character (Azara) is going to react. It's a fantasy, most of my stories are. I have tried to write tales set in this day and age but find it more difficult to allow my imagination free reign. And the fantasy/sci-fi genre is my favourite when it comes to reading. I blame the New Zealand teacher I had when I was 10 - he introduced us to The Hobbit and I was immediately hooked. Not that I think Tolkien to be the greatest fantasy writer - I believe there have been other authors since who have made great inroads into the fantasy genre and have been far more imaginative and creative. But as a child he was the one author who had an enormous influence on me and filled my head with ideas for my own stories. My partner has rung to say he's on the train to Birmingham, has to change there, hopefully he'll be home by 5pm. Maybe earlier, but neither of us are convinced that the Virgin train will be on time (oh what cynics we are!!!). Need a break from the machine, rest my hands/wrists/arms/shoulder and neck before the pain becomes too much. So will finish here for now - if I don't get another entry done before Monday, you know I'm just enjoying being back with my partner!!! Friday 18th June
Posted 10.10am BSTReading and expectations I've been enjoying reading the Mary Wesley book, apparently she was 70 before her first book was published - so perhaps there's hope for me yet. At 52, I often wonder why I bother writing - no one is going to publish something from a woman who is frankly past the age of being useful!!! One of the most frustrating things for me at the moment is that I can't read for long stretches - for someone who loves nothing more than curling up with a good book and can immerse herself for hours in reading, it's becoming a very annoying problem. Reading is just not the same when you have to get up after a couple of chapters or so and go walkabout or do something completely different. Still at least I'm not unable to read completely, although sometimes it feels that way. Have spent a lot on mobile calls this week, with my partner being away. Hopefully, though, he'll be home by this evening, and we'll be able to chat without it costing us a fortune. Be nice to have him home, though must admit I shall miss being able to eat when I want to, and trying to read in the evening without interruptions!!! But, it will be good to see him again, have a hug, and just relax together. 
Thursday 17th June
Posted 10.40am BSTQuiet Still not much energy, although I feel cheerful and content. Having finished reading 'Hound' (excellent, very well written but too much combat for my liking) I've had a complete change of genre and style and am reading Mary Wesley's "The Vacillations of Poppy Carew". Serious it is not. Fun, light, romantic yet intriguing it is. A much smaller volume. Think it suits my mood. I've been trying to find sandals and bag to match the outfit for my daughter's wedding. Yesterday afternoon I thought I'd found some sandals, a light beige, and only £18. Once home, however, I'm now not sure at all. I like the sandals but the outfit is creamier than I thought - although I took the scarf with me I think the shop lights distorted the colour. So do I stick with what I have and look for a matching bag? Or do I start all over again? I hate trying to match things. I never get it right. What I need is a shopping guru. If only I could afford one!!! Missed my partner last night. I could have done with his laughter and rambling conversations. I doubt that he'd help with the shopping problem though - he can't seem to understand that you need to match outfits with accessories!!! Knowing him, he'd think black would be fine... We chatted on the phone, exchanged texts this morning. Will be glad when he gets back tomorrow. As for today, I'm not sure what to do. I don't feel up to traipsing all the way to Meadowhell (a shopping mall on the other side of Sheffield, actually called Meadowhall but we prefer the hell version as it can be extremely crowded). In fact I don't really feel like doing much of anything. No change there, then! Best go and feed our fish - we have some black phantom tetra, two honey gouranis and two 'ottos' - algae-eaters. Plus a horde of tiny snails. Next door's cat, Puss (the neighbour has never sorted out a name for her) loves to watch the tank, but always looks guiltily away when she realises I'm watching her. No danger to the fish, they're quite secure. Funny to see Puss eyeing them greedily though! Joined a bloggers web-ring yesterday - Blogging Brits - see my Blogging Links. Hopefully it will encourage more visitors. Although in many ways I'm writing this purely for my own pleasure, and to enthuse me to write on a daily basis, it would be nice to know that others read it as well!!! 
Wednesday 16th June
No energy One of those days, yesterday was the same, hardly enough energy to do what I needed to, let alone write. I find it very frustrating when that happens - and it happens far too often. But of course it's one of the reasons that I don't work, just a part of the FM. I tried writing, but apart from altering a few minor things to what I'd already done, I got no further. The inability to concentrate and 'tired' eyes forced me to stop. I did manage to get into town (the term we use for going into Sheffield city centre) to buy some food. I even had a half-hearted look for a bag and shoes to go with the outfit I have for my daughter's wedding next month. By the time I got home, however, I only had enough energy to eat lunch before having an hour's sleep. Hopefully my energy levels will rise during today. It's very difficult to explain to people how I feel - complete exhaustion at times, certainly only half-awake much of the day - a bit like how most people are when they first wake up - but somehow I never manage to cross that threshold from waking to wide awake. Makes it very difficult to concentrate, almost impossible to 'think straight'. I had a nice surprise when checking my emails this morning. First, my sister had written a wonderfully long and descriptive email about her journey to work. Actually a very good piece of writing, very evocative. I was quite envious of her ability. Secondly, there was an email from someone who has FM and had found my site. I am always pleased when that happens as it's good to know that other people with FM do discover my page - it was why I wrote it, to share the experience and to let others know that they aren't alone. Exchanged texts with my partner first thing. I do miss him, and will be delighted when he gets back on Friday. Although, I have to confess, there are advantages to being on my own, not least of which is being able to get into the bathroom! But however much my teddy Bonzo tries, he's not the same as having a nice huggy partner in bed with me  Posted 10.10am BST
 Highsmith I've just watched a programme on BBC4 (a channel that I've been told no one watches - why not? it has some incredibly informative and intriguing programmes) about Patricia Highsmith. I confess that although I recognised the name and have heard of at least 2 of her books I knew nothing about her. Her life fascinates me. As a child she felt rejected - and probably was - by her mother. A writer, a lesbian and a person who appeared as very social during her late teens and into her twenties but who chose to live alone toward the end of her life. A woman with a dark nature, almost self-destructive. A person who wrote reams of journals from her youth. Secretive, deigning publicity and interviews. Yet making the decision that, after her death, her journals should be made public. And as I watched, I began to feel for her, almost empathise with her. I'm not gay, and I wouldn't describe myself as having a dark nature. Nor do I drink much, unlike Highsmith. But there are certain aspects of the loner, the childhood, the leanings toward privacy that I can see in myself. Take today. I've actually quite enjoyed my solitary state. Yes, I've spoken to my partner on his mobile two or three times and I miss his company this evening, but I'm not miserable at his absence. Unlike some people I know who dread the idea of being on their own for more than an hour, I enjoy my own company. I was on my own a lot as a child and during my marriage, when the children were at school and my ex was away on business. I got used to being alone, and now I value the time when I am alone. Given the right circumstances, I could see myself drifting into the sort of life that Highsmith led. Except that I love my partner and get on really well with him and enjoy being with him - whereas Highsmith seems to have found relationships difficult, if not impossible. Sad. If I had the energy to write, and had had the encouragement and freedom that Highsmith had, I'm sure that I would have written several books by now. But it's that lack of energy, as well as the pain, that holds me back. Perhaps that's just an excuse. I must write more. Get back into the book - I haven't done any serious writing now for more than 3 weeks. Perhaps tomorrow... Posted 10.40pm BST
EuropeMonday 14th June
Have just checked the European Election results in the UK. Am horrified that so many people voted for the UK Independence Party, a group that wants the UK to withdraw from the European Union. It amazes me that people here do not seem to understand that such a move would be disastrous for British companies and interests. Yes, sometimes the EU does appear to go against certain interests and there are disagreements between members. That is democracy in action. Overall we gain a lot from the EU, not least of which are rebates, grants for numerous projects and other economic benefits. We ARE Europeans - a fact that seems to escape the notice of those in this country who believe we'd be better outside of Europe. Most of the media stokes the fires that keep the nationalistic anti-Europe vote alive. Who better than Kilroy-Silk, a man who makes my skin creep every time I see him on TV, to demonstrate the power of the media? In my opinion, he should be ousted and exiled to a tiny island community somewhere that has full sovereign rights and no help from any other country whatsoever. On a personal note, my partner left early this morning for his week-long course down in Coventry, having managed to wake me for an hour or so in the process. I got back to sleep, didn't wake until 9.45am, and still feel completely exhausted. Even a couple of mugs of tea have failed to revive me fully. It's obviously going to be one of those 'no' days when I fail to achieve anything, and every task is like climbing a mountain. A typically bad FM day... Saturday I ended up playing Star Wars Galaxies, an online game that I was completely addicted to for about 3 months but which I now find rather boring. However, my character is hooked up with a great group of people including my son so I don't want to desert them completely. As for Sunday, we relaxed, walked to our local retail centre where we bought a king-size quilt (one of those 2-in-1 sets that has a summer and winter duvet) and on coming home I watched the end of the cricket. Brilliant. England won. Beating New Zealand 3-0 in the series. Great. Not so great was our performance on the football pitch. Never mind, still have some games in hand... Now, time to try to wake myself up a bit more, and hopefully revive enough to do something useful. Posted 11.30am BST
IndecisiveSaturday 12th June
My partner has just gone into work, and I doubt that he'll be back until nearly 7pm as he wants to get to the shops on his way home. The weather is cool, damp and overcast. I'm here on my own wondering what to do. Should I play again? I had a good session on Morrowind this morning whilst my partner was working upstairs on his PC. But not sure I really want to play again at the moment. I could go out, but it's just started raining and I'm still not feeling great. Perhaps I should have another go at upgrading my pages, but I'm finding it hard to concentrate - surprised I'm even managing to do this. So I'll probably while away the rest of the afternoon doing not a lot - surfing, maybe. Watching tv. Whatever. I'll let you know... Posted 3.47pm BST
 Dozy Feeling really dozy this morning. Didn't sleep too well, not unusual for me. The Sheffield election results are in, and Labour has retained control, although only just. See here for the results. My partner is having to do some work today, hopefully he'll manage to do most of it from home. On Monday he goes on a week-long course, it will be strange to not have him around. But sure I'll cope ok, after all I lived on my own for several years after I left my 'ex'. Still, I'll miss my partner. Will probably go into town later, do some browsing and shopping. Other than that, doubt that we'll do much. I might play Morrowind whilst my partner is working, perhaps update more of my pages - I've already done two this morning. Hoping to get some writing done next week - no point in trying to do any today, too sleepy, and am finding it difficult to concentrate on anything. So that's it for now. Posted 11am BST.
 Results The results for our ward are in - seems people in this area appreciate the good work done by our councillors as they've all got back in. Perhaps because we had LibDem councillors once before, who messed things up so much that they got kicked out last time around. Still awaiting the rest of the results for Sheffield. Will be interesting to see how it goes. Now, I'm going to have my lunch, watch the news and maybe some cricket. Feeling much happier now!!!! Posted 12.52pm BST
Friday 11th June It's Working!!!!!
YES!!!!!!!! It works - the counter, that is. Brilliant!!!!!! Now, to play!!!! Posted 12.08pm BST
Friday 11th June Worked Up I've spent the morning getting increasingly frustrated by this counter. It doesn't work. I've spent hours trying hard to get it to work with no luck. I'm also getting annoyed by people who vote against local councillors due to national issues. Yes, I was against the Iraq War. Yes, I get annoyed with the way Blair tends to do his own thing, regardless. But that doesn't mean that local councillors who are doing a good job should go just because people are unhappy about Blair and his policies. I'm going to play for a while. Chill out if I can. Because getting worked up affects my FM, my muscles tighten and the pain increases. Chill, Linda, Chill!!! Posted 11.50am BST
Thursday 10th June Counter OK. I've had a break - reading "Hound" by George Green - and have now added a counter to my site (although only I can check it!). Just thought it might be interesting to see how many people access my journal (other than me). Getting very tired, time to finish for tonight. Hopefully I'll be back tomorrow and will let you know the results of our local elections, or at least post a link to a site that can tell you which councillors have been elected in Sheffield. Posted 5.50pm BST
Thursday 10th June Undecided Have checked out another blog publisher but hate the ads that appear on the journal page. If I paid, of course, the ads would go, but at the moment I can't afford to do that. So it looks as though I'll be sticking with this. Perhaps I'm too independently-minded to do anything else. About time I brought in my views on current affairs. Today in the UK it's polling day, voting for our local councillors and Euro ministers. Except that being in one of the 'trial' areas for postal voting, my vote went in last week. It doesn't seem the same - I used to enjoy the short walk to my polling booth, a chat with the other people there. This time it was a case of studying the ballot paper at home, marking my crosses, getting an accompanying witness form signed and posting everything off. They're hoping that it will increase the number of people who vote. I doubt that it will work. And I feel disenfranchised, solitary, disengaged from the whole process. And the bank rate has gone up. Again. Up goes the mortgage, and the interest rates on my credit card. Gloomy prospect. What's the betting that the mortgage etc will go up long before the rates on my savings account??? No, I'm not betting on it either!!! Posted 2.25pm BST
Showers It was a lovely morning when I left for the supermarket. So nice, in fact, that I decided to walk - something I haven't done for ages as the pain in my legs/back often prevent me from walking far. Despite the pain in my left leg becoming bad within seconds of turning the corner and heading uphill, I enjoyed the walk, and even beat the bus - there are roadworks near the supermarket that are causing havoc to traffic at the moment, in fact have been for weeks. Did the shopping. Emerged to a few drops of rain. Made it to the bus stop before the heavens opened. Luckily a bus arrived fairly quickly, and I was able to shelter for a few minutes when I alighted, so I didn't get too wet. As my dad would say, 'a little bit of rain never hurt anyone'. Hmmm. The sun has come out again now that I'm ensconced in my 'study' of course. Need to eat, then plan to tackle the site update again. Am enjoying myself, but wish I had some more knowledge of website design. Perhaps I should surf a bit and learn more... or give up on my own design and use a blog publisher... Posted 12.35pm BST
Simplicity I've decided to keep the design simple. After all what I'm hoping people will be interested in is the content, not the complex style. The same for my web site - colour, yes, but not flash or Java or anything else that slows down loading too much - I hate sites that take an age to download and often refuse to wait for some showy pages to appear. I'm sure others do the same. Maybe it's being cowardly, an avoidance of learning how to write those flashy scripts! This morning, it's cooler, thank goodness. The heat and me don't get on too well. Neither does cold and damp weather like me. For those who are new to my pages and who know nothing about me, I have fibromyalgia (FM for short) - click here to find out more. It affects me in many ways, can control my life if I'm not careful. It stopped me from working 7 years ago. At the time I didn't know what I had, and hoped to return to work. But I now accept that working isn't feasible, although I would dearly love to feel that I was making a contribution to society. At least I can keep in contact with my family and friends via email, offer them support (limited I know) and be here when they need me. I might keep a mood/health tag up - I saw one on another blog and I liked the idea. I hope the writer doesn't mind if I copy her idea. And talking of writing - in the process of redoing my site, I've realised that I need to include more of my attempts at writing. Most of the content is 2 years old, or even more. Hopefully I'll add or change the content on a more regular basis from now on. Probably not today though - I have to go to the supermarket (a bus ride away) and continue updating my site. So better go and do something useful... Posted 10.20am BST
Part 2 Have been struggling with the design for this site, feel tired, hot and disillusioned!!! Mind, it's been a steep learning curve this, recalling forgotten HTML in the process as well as printing off reams from my ISP on how to insert banners, guest books and such. Maybe tomorrow I'll get my head around it all - think the Fibromyalgia is beginning to kick in as I can no longer think!!! Calling it a day for now. Posted 16.20 BST
Wednesday 9th June First instalment...No idea what this will be like, but having surfed several blogs during the last few days, I've decided to do my own.I looked at various blog publishing sites, even tried one, but they failed to meet my requirements, or seemed complicated, or just didn't suit ME. And, in the end, I decided that as I have my own site, why bother? As I see it, this gives me Advantages - I have the freedom to develop my blog without interference and in my own way. and Disadvantages - I lose the anonymity that blog publishers provide, it probably means that this page will be less well read and I don't get comments back - although I'm looking into setting up my own guest book to overcome that one. So that's my decision - and for now, I'm going to stay with that. I've spent the morning trying to change my site, using Netscape Composer - I still find it's one of the easiest ways to produce my own web pages. My apologies if Netscape has inconsistencies with I.E. - why not download Netscape for yourself and check it out? Oh, and why do I call myself a silver surfer? I used to think that I was too young to be one, but officialdom has declared that anyone of 50+ is technically a silver surfer. And if by admitting that I am one, I keep the young away, then so be it - hopefully the 'single-I-want-to-date-you' types will stay away too!!! That's it for now. It's lunchtime and I need FOOD!!!! Posted 13.00 BST |